A Shitty Day By Rufio Jones

7 04 2010

A shitty day can only last 24 hours
8 of which you SHOULD be asleep during
(If you listen to your doctor’s recommendations, of course)
Some lucky people work for 8 of those (AND don’t mind it)
60 minutes should suffice to get ready for that job
I’m going to guess 30 minutes to drive there and back (and even park)
Let’s say you spend 3 hours preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner
I’ll spot you a half hour to ingest those meals
30 more minutes to… ahem… get rid of those meals
Another half hour to kick your shoes off and relax properly
(Or at least to play around on the internet)
Maybe an hour nap after all that digestive work
Give an hour to your favorite television show
(FINE! Or your favorite book…sheesh)
Ummm… you don’t have time to have a shitty day.

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French Toast Peanut Butter Sandwiches by Rufio Jones

6 11 2009

I’d like to start this out by saying I’m a boss. I’m here to help those that have to cook for themselves (and, hell, for others too).

Those in-the-know are fully aware that my regular ol’ French toast feeds angels. I have to send them to Heaven in large freights. But they needed a stronger potency. So I just invented French toast peanut butter sandwiches.

Crack an egg, pour a little milk (maybe up to the middle of the yolk), add some vanilla extract and however much sugar you wish. Sorry, but the problem with being a cook for God is that I don’t need measurements because it’s perfect every time. Anyway, wisk the shit out of that crap.

Now make peanut butter sandwiches (I hope that doesn’t need to be explained). Dip the sandwiches in the liquid combo and put them boys in a medium pan with butter in it. Fry them on both sides to keep them thoroughly pimpin’. To finish it off…TOP WITH HONEY!

Do this, and you will help Jesus fight evil. That is all.

1105091345

It's not pretty, but I'll be damned if it's not delicious!

 





Now to introduce….Detroit CYDI PRESENTS…..

11 09 2009

Wassup yall? This is Illinsgworth. I have been summoned here to give you a new and wonderful experience…..”Detroit CYDI Presents….” . This is where I take all of my secret hidden footage of Detroit CYDI and other Axis of Greatness members, edit it terribly, skewing facts, adding meaning, subtracting relevance, and then I upload it to Youtube, in order to FILL myself, and YOU, with glee. Here’s an installment for you……





The Popcorn Arrow of Truth by Rufio Jones

27 08 2009

For some reason I was thinking about this crazy situation that happened awhile ago and realized it wasn’t my fault.

So my comrades and I went to a movie (shockingly enough, I don’t remember what that movie was) and we shared a large bucket of popcorn. By the end of the film, we were passing the bucket back and forth to see who was going to take it. Though all in jest, it’s when the bucket got back to me that things took a turn.

Chris (one of the comrades) went to hand me the popcorn and I said ‘I don’t want that!’ As sure as I am today ends in Y is how confident I am that I slapped the bucket out of Chris’ hands TOWARDS THE GROUND. Nevertheless, like the truest arrow to strike the heart of an enemy on the battlefield, the bucket of popcorn flew forward for an impromptu meeting.

As it sailed down the aisle, every popped and unpopped kernel stayed safely tucked inside the bucket. Then, after going down approximately 10 empty rows without touching one seat, the bucket hit a couple on their way to the exit. It went off like a grenade when hit them, too. I don’t think I have ever been more apologetic. But today I realized that was far from my fault. Any arrow that true HAD to be divine intervention.

My theory is that bucket either brought them closer or tore them apart… like they needed. After being bombed by popcorn, I think one of two things happened. Optimistically, as mad as they may have been, they laughed about it by the time they got to the car. The woman telling the man “I can’t believe you didn’t kill him!” with hilarity and nudity ensuing. I like that scenario, but there is another.

It’s possible that the popcorn storm was the final straw. I assume it’s an embarrassing strain to have a hundred people watching their post-popcorning reaction. When we all parted ways, I could imagine the woman telling the man “I can’t believe you didn’t kill him!” and having that not help the situation. Their continual back and forth leading to a decision to split.

Either way, I think they should send me a letter of thanks. I was chosen to save them with an unconventional weapon. I believe it brought them closer. Even if it didn’t, they were better off. I’m just happy I was so influential in someone’s life.

bombcorn

bombcorn





Stryfe speaks out about the new Madden!

16 08 2009

Here’s a game critique from our very special guest, Stryfe, of Axis of Greatness, http://www.stryfed.com, http://stryfe.bandcamp.com, so on and so forth……ENJOY

ok, so I decided to rent the new Madden to see if they tried to make it better.

NOPE! wtf was I thinkin?

and on that note I say FUCK YOU EA Sports and FUCK YOU Madden.

this shit aint fair.

every game is the same shit rolled in more sugar.

I swear this is the glitchiest, cheatingest, controller throwingest game out.

I only played about 5 games and im bout done..

so thank you Madden for years of bullshit every game after Genesis.

Fuck you Madden.

For “suction” tackles where a man is getting blocked and is still in the “crouching position” or mid run the OPPOSITE way and he slides across the field like a green army man on an air hockey table.

Fuck you Madden

For having defenders that dont cover anyone in man to man coverage. Instead they stand there as if the game forget that they were even there while the running back runs out of the backfield, into the secondary catches the ball and my safety has to tackle him.

Fuck you Madden

For the faggot ass momentum system you put in the game. I know its there, its so obvious.

When you’re winning the game plays like Matt Millen designed it.

BUT

if the game is close, HERE COMES THE BULLSHIT!!!

so fuck you Madden

for everytime a player is kickin your ass you injure him. Run a 30 yard sweep? Torn quadricep next tackle. Catch a 40 yard pass? Drop your next and, And, AND the CB will tackle you and you’ll get a “Hip Stinger”…WTF???!?!?

fuck you Madden

Cuz as soon as that momentum shift hits, the game turn to geometry wars with NIGGAS.

Not only can I not tackle the running back anymore, this nigga turns into Juggernaut, his helmet connects with his shoulder pads, and he can now RUN OVER my Defensive Tackle who has been tackling him ALL GAME. The DT is 315!!!! this little bitch is 232 GTFOH!!

Fuck Madden

Then the Quarterback gets an I-Robot arm and doesn’t throw anymore. Instead, loads it with gunpowder and Anti-Matter bombs, and clogs the opening with the football.

Fuck Madden

Then the Wide Recievers get Large Hadron Colliders on their hands and mini black holes form through which light CAN escape. As a matter of fact, not only can light escape, everything else can too EXCEPT footballs. Then as the brown ball of glue travels in the vicinity of the receiver, he stretches out those hands wrapped in double sided tape and no matter how good he is covered, the ball still manages to teleport to his palms. Meanwhile my receivers don’t even try to catch anymore they just run and put they hands out like the Allstate sign.

Fuck Madden

So then its your turn. But now your running back is the 3rd stringer cuz you did too good with your first two earlier, and the Monstars are on the other side of the ball foaming at the mouth. Then when you hike the ball, your offensive lineman DOESN”T BLOCK ANYTHING!! Instead he just runs straight ahead like its the 40 yd dash!

Then its halftime and you have to sit through all this dumb shit telling you about whats going on around the league. ITS NOT EVEN REAL!! I want to win the game im PLAYING! Who gives a fuck if computer is cheating against itself?

I swear this game is the cheatingest. You will witness Offensive Lineman that you DOMINATED all game get a strength boost when computer decides ok its my turn. Defensive backs start jumping like Lebron James on a trampoline. AND they teleport to passes that are no where that they can get to, like a Sonic the Hedgehog speed burst.

OR if you somehow manage to get past all of the bullshit, your people will start holding and fumbling for no reason at all!!

Then uh oh, the Defensive Linemen. Its like instant 4.4 40 speed. I know my O line aint the best, but these niggas got Jesus at right end, Yoda and the Stay Puft MarshMallow man at Defensive Tackle, and Satan in Winged Snake form at the left end. Its like my O linemen are balls of wax and these niggas are HELL!!

Meanwhile the announcer is in the background, man those guys are just getting manhandled on offense. NO SHIT!!!

Theres so much more, but thats all im mad about

I hate this game

ok my chest feels better

Madden? More like Sadden(ing).....

Madden? More like Sadden(ing).....





Time in Toronto!

9 08 2009

So Rufio Jones, Stryfe and Scoop SOS decscended upon Toronto last week for Caribana. Here are some pictures of the excursion:





A Human Being a Human Being

20 07 2009

evolution

NEWS FLASH! We are animals. That basically means we are born, we eat, we fight, we dance, we sleep, we sing, we have sex, and we die. During that lifespan, animals discover their various super powers. Some fly, others swim, and a multitude of others. As homo sapiens, our gift is the overly developed brain. Since we have the ability, we must use it more wisely.
We do all those things our other animal friends do, but we aren’t handicapped by a “script.” Nature doesn’t have to predetermine our actions. We can do what we want. But sometimes we forget that. We are, after all, animals. And some of us easily fall back into the most basic of needs and animalistic desires.
As the old adage goes, “with great power comes great responsibility.” Choice is a great power. And some choose not to use it. That leads to all types of brutal rapes, merciless killings, and anything in between that makes people seem like they have lost their humanity.
Which leads to the title. There are many situations, justified or not, where tapping into one’s inner beast is seemingly appropriate. Personally, I don’t know what I would be capable of if made mad enough. Which is why I am a human being a human being. And I hope to never be described as anything other than that. I can hate without destroying. I can love without tormenting. Most importantly, I can consider the consequences of my actions. As long as I am committed to being human(e) in all that I do, I think we are all better off. Moreover, if everyone else shared that same commitment… oh, the possibilities.

From the mind of Rufio Jones